Hang in there

“Hang in there “ you know the saying that is said just before parting with someone, as a another way to say “don’t give up”.  This saying seemed to be going around, among a few others words, that ended up on repeat in my mind over the past several months under a solo quarantine during this pandemic. I had enough time on my hands to really think and reflect on language, the choice of words we used, how we used them and the general weight of them when you HEAR or READ them. As well, observing how it affects you, physically, mentally and emotionally, especially when your on your own, over long periods of time.  Call it a self induced inquiry, a project of sorts, that turned into a therapeutic healing plan in coping through a pandemic that was soaked in emotion and anxiety, and heavy in uncertainty.  

The results of the research eventually made its way into a creative installation sensory experience, called “Hang in there”, in which I HUNG, at Nomads life in Montreal last week in a private event.  An event that i hardly did any promotion, if any and in the end turned mainly into a healing performance to my own self therapy. 

I used that slang “Hang in there” as the title to my experience. Inspired by an image I had seen while taking a walk for some much needed fresh air back in May. On this day I chose to take the alleyways for a different and safer route through the city. I generally always preferred these routes rather then the streets because they always seemed to have a more lived in homey feel, and now with covid 19, it felt even safer and away from the crowds. 

As I made my way down one of my favourite routes, i looked up to see laundry hanging on the line, with wires intersecting, trees criss crossing, above and below. A common scene that generally peaks my visual interest but this time It felt different to me.

To take this story to a deeper level, I’ll share with you my own personal experience during my isolation.   Particularly something that made its appearance within the first week of quarantine and made a significant impact in why I created this installation.  

Basically when I felt or seemed alright, my body and mind decided otherwise and began  waking me up “literally” in my sleep in a serious of Panic Attacks.  To break it down into a brief version of these months as possible.  I was now confronting myself, head on, everyday, and whatever I had left under the rug, from my past, or present was showing up, in full force in my subconscious. Dramatically waking me up to LIVE and notice and truly recognize and FEEL without pushing it away to deal with it later. Again this is the short and light version but this was no light matter that i was now experiencing. 

After a serious of them, I was exhausted and began to reach out.  I had no other option but to ask for help and needed to know how to mange it and hopefully stop this from re-occurring . The more I reached out, the more I realized I was NOT ALONE in my anxiety and these attacks.  That A LOT of people were suffering at this time and suffering from general anxiety in their day to day lives prior to this.  The Pandemic had only heightened it and brought to the surface where most people now needed to come face to face with it, and like myself on their own. Adding a whole new layer to the anxiety. 

Being a yoga teacher, i thought I had the tools to release stress in others and most times with myself and felt fairly invincible to this sort of thing. However somehow, somewhere it caught up to me and completely off guard, becoming too much for my body and mind to handle. 

I dove deep in trying different breathing exercises, eliminated things from my diets, herbal, medicinal methods, bought a bunch of vitamins, did a bunch of research and got back to my yoga practice. All these things seemed to be getting me back on track and moving me into a positive direction but the attacks haven’t fully disappeared they were just less strong on a rictor scale.  So I decided to head back to a creative rituals of sorts that in the past as had some good results in clearing and healing the mind and that was writing.  However this time, I put a deeper intention in what I wrote.   

From the very first moment, in the first panic attack, at 3am, in my haste, I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote to myself, as a witness ,”YOU are going to be alright, YOU are alright, its alright.  Call it a distraction of sorts, a way to SEE a word and believe it, and then on top it, a type of clearing and cleansing of the feelings that were inside my head, and releasing them OUT as quickly as possible. 

I had read and believed in the research already on how the power of writing could heal, but I never thought i would have to used it to this extent and in this therapeutic way. Basically it was time to practice what I preached.

So for the next several months, I began to not only write my thoughts, but I started to do audio.  Recording my voice just after having an attack.  I did the same with my dreams as they were just as LUCID and powerful as the attacks. It seemed all things were heightened.  Each layer was LUCID, the dream life, waking life and the space between, was waking me up to all of this. 

So lets bring it back to the present.  Where am I, NOW.  As June hit, and things started to open up a bit, I was excited to connect with others and perhaps worked towards something, ANYTHING.  The lack of connection, uncertainty and no due dates to work towards, added to my anxiety. In knowing this, I needed to create something to look forward to, even if it was a small project that i had designed. It was at this moment, that I decided to turn my self inquiry  into a healing installation. 

At first I went to my studio.  I pulled out a rope and hung it from one end to the other.  I cut out little pieces of paper and put words on it. WORDS that had impacted me during this time. WORDS that were heavy and WORDS that gave me comfort.  I knew that they all had weight to them and if I was to move THROUGH and forward, out of the state that I was in, I needed to RELEASE them.  I hung up such words as WORRY, ANXIETY, OVERTHINKING, ATTACHED.  As well as words and ideas I wanted to manifest into my future. If I was about to reprogram my brain and visualize what was to come I needed to create a balance between what I was letting go and what I was looking forward to, both the negatives and the positives and really SEE what was on my mind.  

I spent a few days in there, just writing, hanging, without much thought to what I was doing. As I stood back, and looked at this line filled with words, emotions, i had HUNG, I felt now it needed air to breathe and let go. I envisioned it, not along like laundry being hung out to dry but also like a Nepali prayer flag. While trekking in the Annapurna mountains i had seen and participated in this ritual.  Flags that were hung to promote peace, compassion, strength and wisdom in the pervading space.  Which i felt definitely could be useful during this time of the pandemic. 

And with that, I brainstormed a few ideas where I would like or could see it hung.  As Montreal was just on the cusp of changing the rules for events, I didn’t have a lot of choices but in the end spoke with my Friend Jason at Nomads Nation ,an co working space, in which had a wonderful outdoor terrace. He granted me the space for a few days to hang the show and complete my healing process. 

As a person who has an interest in the process, I thought I would share a bit of mine as to how I created this show.  As it has a lot to do with the healing process in the end. All in, I took only one week to design, and curate the event. I purposely used recycled materials.  Cutting shapes of clothing out of old bedsheets , towels, shoes, and facecloths.  Anything I could find in my house and nearby that I needed to let go of and clear space in my life at the same time. I cut out my Words on vinyl  that I wanted to release, manifest and felt, and placed them on these articles i had created. It was a very different process for me and one in which I wasn’t used to. 

I tried to go with the less is more mentality as well as let things flow without getting to caught up in perfection. If the material had a stain, or the paper tore or folded, i let it be as is. I wanted to install something that was raw, authentic and present.

Traditionally I wouldn’t call myself an installation artist, or dealt with concepts, but more ideas that led to a photographic image or a painting or maybe even a design project.  So of course, doubts in what I was doing arose.  What was the point of all this.  This all seemed juvenile. And with those doubts, came the answers.  Juvenile, is where I needed to get back to.  Being playful, and simple.  Being creative without this great need for approval from the outside world.  Being creative in the NOW.

During this time, I had watched a few documentary movies on artists.  One of them was Amy Whinehouse and another Jean Michael Basquiat.  Both had died tragically but both were inspiring for the way they created, in the moment and with such vulnerability, and rawness.  They created from what they FELT, and SEEN from their daily lives.  Which included such things as love, heartbreaks, racism, fears, and social pressures to be someone,

I could relate to both of these stories.  Especially Basquiat and the immediacy of creation.  He didn’t wait, he just DID and was very much inspired by the streets and urban living. As well Racism had made a huge impact on him and at that time, and once again racism was making its IMPACT on 2020.  

Last week I hung out my words on a line, and released them.  From my experience I can say, that there is a very big healing aspect to expressing what is within, through creative ways.  And when I say creative, this doesn’t mean this is limited to an artist or to how you express it. This for EVERYONE and anyone.  It is not only our physical bodies that this pandemic or everyday stress is affecting and attacking, but equally our mental health that is at stake. From my experience, don’t let things settle into your mind and body, to wreak havoc NOW or later..  Find ways and methods to let things FLOW, LET GO and move THROUGH and out.

I am presently looking for other place to hang my installation in Montreal and onwards. If someone has a space in which they can offer to me, please get in touch with me.

On another note, I had produced a series of poems in this installation that i’ll will be sharing over the next months and hope to produce a small Zine dedicated to the healing aspects of writing with the theme of mental health. If interested in acquiring a copy, stay tuned and or be put on my mailing list.

Finally I would like to thank all those people who checked in, supported me during these 4 months by listening, talking, relating and just saying they are there for me. It mattered to have whatever virtual support during a time that we were quarantine apart.